Ice, Ice, Baby

I got to get an iced latte, one shot, oat milk
‘Would you like some sugar syrup?’, the Barista says
‘Oh no I’m fine, thanks!’, I say
She leans over the counter
‘Are you sure?’, she says
‘It’ll take some of the




It felt weighted.

Global Issue

God everyone’s so intense these days
Every conversation I have is so
There is a common denominator here
I guess people are just more
These days!


I’m starting to suspect that the
Endless scroll and the
Accompanying sensation of being hollowed out by nothingness
May not be
Seeing the occasional interesting article about how
Technology is destroying us

Job Interview

‘What do you think your main weaknesses are?’

‘Well, I’ve never been able to fully differentiate between what is real and what is not so that’s a bit of an ongoing issue for me, really’

‘Oh, right’

‘Yeah – I thought I would shake it off as I got older but …

I didn’t’


I hate how
Coffee shops are
Laptop use
On the weekends
Because apparently that’s ‘family time’
Which completely disregards the fact that my 
MacBook is

NB: Yes I know they are just saying that to sell more brunches


You can leave the house, the person, the village, the country
But the alchemy can reproduce itself
Anywhere else
At any time
Via any person
Within any bricks and mortar

That’s what I could never quite grasp
That it’s this dormant crypto-process
Waiting to be
Fully activated
By a
Glance or a
Flung out phrase

Who Knows

I keep wondering why am I so tired I said to the doctor you know I’m just so tired
Perhaps it’s because you spend all day baiting yourself with unanswerable questions
I just don’t know why I’m so tired I did mention it to the doctor
Just how tired I

It’s Been A Lovely Night

I’ve never understood this ‘Don’t want to die alone’ thing. You know, like –
‘Why you on Tinder?’
‘Don’t wanna die alone!’
Because dying alone seems preferable to me.
For example:
You go out, you have a good time. You have both been consummate conversationalists. Your stomach sits sated. At certain points of the evening, you may have even felt like you embodied jazz. Now it is time to go home.
But wait! They insist on accompanying you to the bus stop. And so you stand shivering as ellipses bounce back between you because there’s only 3 minutes until the C11 to Archway and how can you now inorganically conjure something up that doesn’t defraud the entire night?
You should have just left it at the door
Guys –
Leave it at
‘It’s been a lovely night’

Accusatory Glance

I’m lodging in a family’s house and it has thus far been uneventful, when the landlord looks at me
And says:
‘Have you seen our cat? Our cat has gone … missing’
Brief moment,
6 seconds approx.

He looks at me
Exhibits the sceptical strain that I’ve seen so often in security guards, bosses, lovers …
Words invisibly typed in the space

Between us

That say:

‘Did you

Night Terrors

‘I had such detailed, terrifying nightmares last night’, I say
Katie nods and says:
‘I dreamt I overextended my finances to buy a flat which turns out
To have been made of

My Waterloo

My most humiliating experiences always seem to happen in tube stations
And in particular those tube stations south of the river
I stand there opposite her at around midnight on Thursday evening
‘I’ll send you the photos!’ I say
I’m never sure how to end these things and I’ve already said ‘Get home safe!’ twice
‘Sure’ she says ‘It’ll look like we had a good time’
I open my mouth to speak
Then close it again
She laughs
‘I mean – it won’t need to look like we had a good time. We did have a good time…’ She protests just enough
But still,
I flush and stutter:
‘I … I had a good time’
I look into the space time continuum and say:
‘Ok so …
G…get home safe’


I said:
I’m actually becoming a vegan

Miriam said:
You hate vegetables?
Literally all I’ve ever seen you eat is
Cheese and bread.
As far as I know
You’re an 18th Century French farmer
Judging by your


‘Oh I think that’s normal though’ I say
‘To feel like that’
They don’t look comforted, mostly
Most people

Don’t want their pain to be
Most want their pain


She comes back home
‘How have you been?’, she says
I look

‘I’ve been
In and out
Consciousness’, I say

‘Do you mean to say’, she says
Been …

July – October 2017

I had harboured deep, detailed fantasies of being a Hampstead recluse for years but when I accidentally tripped into a ditch of luck and was able to enact this beautiful, intricate design …
Well it was fun for a while, hanging out in coffee shops, contemplating a considerable amount of jazz but after about a week I thought:
‘This is a quite boring now and I miss


I sit at a group table
I can feel every atom of my body
And also as far afield as Pluto
I move my phone 20mm to the right

Then to the left
Outstretch my arm
Then stretch it back in again
Were they always

This long?
What’s next?
Oh, great
The indignity of

Asking for the
WiFi password


‘Live each day
As if it’s
Your last’
That’s what they say

But then one day you wake up with an
Interest only mortgage
And a
Body of excess
And you think:
I probably shouldn’t have
Lived each day
As if it was
My last
Because most of the time
It wasn’t


I said:
‘Yeah she likes all these
Obscure indie bands.
I’m trying to remember one of the names so I can tell you…’
She says:
‘Indie band names? I could make up several right now’
I say:
‘Oh, yeah?’
She says:
‘Yeah – how about
I woke up on Tuesday
Pillarbox Junkie
Tragedy in Chelsea
Underwear – bag – toiletries
I say:
‘I like the last one especially!’
She says:
‘Oh no sorry
That was just me getting ready for
My date’

Rebel Without A Cause

She’s wearing a leather jacket and she’s smoking a roll up and she’s talking about nihilism and her leg is tucked up under her so her existence sits at a perfect right angle and I think:
She’s like a
James Dean

Fall from grace

When I was
Fell out of a

I fell
And my head landed on a
Branch on the ground

I was knocked unconscious
For a few seconds

I remembered this
and thought
That explains

Architecture 101

Have started watching
Grand Designs
Of late
Quite funny
‘But disaster has struck’
Really Kev?? No!
Surely not
‘The upper middle class couple
Didn’t realise masonry was
That complex
They are now
A hundred thousand pounds down
And have had to bring in
A project manager

Catch Ups

‘How’s things with you?’, she said
‘Well’, I said
‘I still don’t feel like I’ve got a grip on language, nor meaning, nor reality, nor myself at large really.
How about you?’
She says:
‘I’m good.
Bought a house!’

Smashed It

‘I can read minds, you know’, I said
‘What am I thinking now, then?’, she says
I look at her
“You’re thinking…
‘I hope she can’t
Read minds’, yeah?”
‘Shit’, she says
‘You’re good!’


Everyone’s like
‘We need to talk to people with different opinions than our own’
And it’s like
But –
Within reason
Insofar as:
Their argument should contain
At least

Gantt charts and their limitations 

I started making all these organisational plans and charts and deadlines for my writing and I was going to autopost blogs for the next 2 years so that I could do this project and that project and be time management personified
But then I thought:
You idiot!
That’s not how this works!
That would be like telling
He needed an

Third Way

I have been saying for some time now that there should be an additional option alongside the ‘online’ and ‘typing’ statuses on WhatsApp. And that this should be:

‘Online. Typing to someone else, though. Not you. Definitely not just staring at your name waiting for you to message me. No. No. No’


I’m reading a poem in a book by an obviously published poet and they have at one point just taken the same word and rewritten it several times but with the letters in a different order
And I think:
You’re just taking the