Global Issue

God everyone’s so intense these days
Every conversation I have is so
Intense
There is a common denominator here
I guess people are just more
Intense
These days!

Job Interview

‘What do you think your main weaknesses are?’

‘Well, I’ve never been able to fully differentiate between what is real and what is not so that’s a bit of an ongoing issue for me, really’

‘Oh, right’

‘Yeah – I thought I would shake it off as I got older but …

I didn’t’

Kin

I hate how
Coffee shops are
Banning
Laptop use
On the weekends
Because apparently that’s ‘family time’
Which completely disregards the fact that my 
MacBook is
My 
Family

NB: Yes I know they are just saying that to sell more brunches

Leitmotif

You can leave the house, the person, the village, the country
But the alchemy can reproduce itself
Anywhere else
At any time
Via any person
Within any bricks and mortar

That’s what I could never quite grasp
That it’s this dormant crypto-process
Waiting to be
Fully activated
By a
Glance or a
Flung out phrase

Who Knows

I keep wondering why am I so tired I said to the doctor you know I’m just so tired
Perhaps it’s because you spend all day baiting yourself with unanswerable questions
I just don’t know why I’m so tired I did mention it to the doctor
Just how tired I
Am

It’s Been A Lovely Night

I’ve never understood this ‘Don’t want to die alone’ thing. You know, like –
‘Why you on Tinder?’
‘Don’t wanna die alone!’
Because dying alone seems preferable to me.
For example:
You go out, you have a good time. You have both been consummate conversationalists. Your stomach sits sated. At certain points of the evening, you may have even felt like you embodied jazz. Now it is time to go home.
But wait! They insist on accompanying you to the bus stop. And so you stand shivering as ellipses bounce back between you because there’s only 3 minutes until the C11 to Archway and how can you now inorganically conjure something up that doesn’t defraud the entire night?
Ergo
You should have just left it at the door
Guys –
Always
Just
Leave it at
‘It’s been a lovely night’

Night Terrors

‘I had such detailed, terrifying nightmares last night’, I say
Katie nods and says:
‘I dreamt I overextended my finances to buy a flat which turns out
To have been made of
Plywood’

Diagnostic

‘Oh I think that’s normal though’ I say
‘To feel like that’
They don’t look comforted, mostly
Most people

Don’t want their pain to be
Normal
Most want their pain
Extraordinary

July – October 2017

I had harboured deep, detailed fantasies of being a Hampstead recluse for years but when I accidentally tripped into a ditch of luck and was able to enact this beautiful, intricate design …
Well it was fun for a while, hanging out in coffee shops, contemplating a considerable amount of jazz but after about a week I thought:
‘This is a quite boring now and I miss
Laughing

Fall from grace

When I was
9
I
Fell out of a
Tree

I fell
Backwards
And my head landed on a
Branch on the ground

I was knocked unconscious
For a few seconds

I remembered this
Yesterday
and thought
Ah
Yes
That explains
Things

Catch Ups

‘How’s things with you?’, she said
‘Well’, I said
‘I still don’t feel like I’ve got a grip on language, nor meaning, nor reality, nor myself at large really.
How about you?’
She says:
‘I’m good.
Bought a house!’

Metrics

I did flirt with the idea of poetry for a time, last year
Before I recalled that
66.6% of the poets
I have
Known
Have broken my
Heart
And those are really
Not good
Numbers

Future Proof

I was thinking about moving to the Hebrides and becoming a recluse, as buzzfeed reliably informed me you can get a two bed detached there for, like, £30k. I’d be totally cut off. No wifi, nothing. I mean I think you can get wifi there but I wouldn’t use it, you know? It would be the only way to know that I had all of my autonomy. That everything I was doing was for me, without all the fraught connections and approval asking eyes. I imagined simple things like the sound of me clicking the gas on. I’d notice all those little things in the Hebrides. I’d be very thin once my daily bagel habit had inched off the edges of me. In a sort of half haunting, half hot way. But then I thought ‘Sara! Just be a recluse in LONDON. That way, you could still go to the cinemas, the parks, and the libraries.’ Oh yes! Good idea. I’ll just be an
Urban recluse

Widening Scars

I can’t believe I said that
I can’t believe I said that
I can’t believe I said that
I can’t believe I said that
I can’t believe I said that
That was so bad

Don’t worry
No-one takes you seriously
I don’t even
Take you seriously
And I am you

It Never Was

Sometimes I have this thing where I can’t really sense the left side of my body
Like it’s disappeared
Then I loop through
And I realise
I can’t really sense my right side, either
I nod to myself
‘Don’t panic
None of this is
Yours’

🕷

There’s a medium sized spider in a corner of my room
Franz
I know, I know
So twee
And who really has time to name their spiders?
Anyway I haven’t moved Franz
I’ll only move Franz if
I get a girlfriend
And as that looks
Increasingly unlikely
I guess
Franz and I
Are in this for
Life

For Reference Only

Laryngitis has me feeling all croaky like Charles, all worn and old, like I’ve screamed all my best stories out to loads of women I met in bars, like I’ve been down and out and have the voice-box to prove it.

But really it’s just a
Viral infection
That I picked up at
The library
Whilst I read
‘What matters most is how well you walk through the fire’

Features Of Me

I can feel her staring at me from across the room and I know I could snap my head around super quickly and look her right in the eye and raise my eyebrow in an extremely charismatic way if I wanted to

It would be a real
Checkmate
Of a
Moment

Some time passes and she’s still
Half-knowingly
Holding my peripheral gaze

Go on, do it
I goad myself
You could so be that woman with the good posture and a penetrating stare

It’s not too late to be that woman.

Insight

I am walking through Soho when
My world suddenly
Narrows
Rainbow coloured illusions dance across what is left of my field of vision
I like my illusions like I like my flags:
Rainbow coloured
Anyway I think
My mind is warning me about something and I wonder if it’s about all of my
Historic impotence
All The Things I Should Have Been
Then it goes further down me
I am now
Definitely still here but
Very far away from myself
Like the delay in those childhood calls to Australia
‘What was th-‘
‘Oh I-‘
‘I didn’t catch th-‘
My mind is trying to translate me back to me but it is losing all the good bits

I get to the doctors
‘Migraine With Aura’

Dullness

It wasn’t that she was dull
It wasn’t that I was dull
(Obviously)
It was that what
Existed between us
Was dull

*I almost felt the need to motion to the space between us and say ‘such a shame about all this, isn’t it? Well you win some, you lose some, ok take care love you byeeeeeee!’

Universe

She talks for quite a while and I sit and I listen because I’m trying to be a good listener these days because someone told me it’s really important and it makes you more dateable but as she talks I think:

Right ok great and stuff
But …
How does this
Pertain
To
Me?

Deliberate

I got to wondering how much
An articulation of
Experience
Would always end up being
A corruption
Of it

I stroke my chin
Mmmmm yes that’s a good point
But … what else are you gonna use all this
Time
For?

True.

Arrangement

When I was a child
I used to read a science book called
‘How Things Work’
Religiously
I read that book more than any other book
Now?
I’m still trying to work out
How
Things
Work

Indie

She says:
What’s the book about?
I pause and gaze into the distance between us:
The story is … there is no story
She says:
Right.
Sorry – What?
I said:
What?

🤔

They say:
Life is
What happens
When you’re busy making
Other plans
But …
What if you’re not making
Other plans?
Does life still
Happen?

To Have And To Hold

I just wanna touch it
My mind or my heart or whatever
I want so badly
To be in
Cahoots
With it
But it’s just so damned elusive
Whenever I try and see it or touch it or feel it
Whoooosh
It’s gone
Up in a cloud of smoke
In some silver lining moments I feel like I am it, that it’s not a thing to hold but a lived experience
That may only occur at special times when things or perhaps people align
But on all the other days
I ache for it and
It feels like
Nothing about me is
Tangible
Like I’m
Searching through a jumble sale
Trying to find something
Anything
That’s truly
Mine

It’s Just You

I would always say to myself:
Fresh start now

Fresh Starts 1996 – Present

Secondary school
Ok maybe not
College
Ok fine
University
Ok hasn’t panned out
This job
Ok no then
That job
Ok next one
Australia
Ok leave
London
Ok didn’t see that coming

Sorry – wait –
When’s the fresh start here?
DEATH?

Abstract

You’ll get that sometimes
Someone who has all the words
The phrases
The logic
Sounds so pretty but they are
Not quite
Living
It

I guess only in our
Rhetoric
Are we
Flawless

Designate

If there’s anything my extensive 20 years* of field work has taught me, it’s that we have as much

Legitimacy
Dignity
Magic

As we
Assign
Ourselves

* I count birth to 10 as just chilling years, really

Other People

Other people
Are better than you
Other people
Don’t destroy themselves as you do
Other people
Live better than you do
Other people
Love better than you do
Other people
Have more upper body strength than you do

Observer

I
Trapeze
Into the centre of my mind
I
Miss the bar
I thought I was being called to the bar, you see
But as I plummet to my cerebral death
I think:
You should have
Just
Stayed in the
Audience

Probability Vs. Magic

I get on the Nottingham to London train and take the first seat I see that has a table. I then realise that the seat I am in is reserved so I think I better move to my reserved seat rather than have the embarrassment of ‘oh oh oh I’m British but oh oh oh you’re in my seat’. I check the reservation on my ticket and … I’m sitting in the exact seat that I was allocated! The train is 6 coaches. I didn’t look at the seat reservation prior to the trip. At all.

I stroke my chin
Mmmmm yes
I’ve always suspected there is
Something
Other-worldly
About
Me

Death By Arrogance/The 134

I’m standing half on the Camden curb (well, Kentish town/Camden town border zone) and I say to The Clinical Psychologist:
‘I see
Everything
I know
Everything
I know more about people than they do
I sense everything that is going to happen before it’s even conceived of
You are right –
I am an emotional savant
I actually can’t date anyone because no one is as
Intelligent
As me’

I feel something near my head
I say:
‘That bus just nearly hit me, didn’t it?’
She says:
‘Yeah it was
Pretty
Close’

Draw A Blank

Noam looks deadly serious
And says:
I automatically
Ignore
People I know
In the street

 

NB – He went on to describe his theory that it’s just really not the place for talking; out in the wild like that.

🏃 Vs. 🚶

Some part of me is always racing ahead
Jogging on the spot
It turns around
‘COME ON!!’
‘What ya waiting for?’

Other part of me
Back here going:
‘Sorry…
What was the question again?’

😃

She was a
Hopeless
Optimist
She would just kind of ignore
Dark things
That I said
They just didn’t seem to penetrate
She was very
Light
Like things would just glide through her
Yes she was a
Hopeless
Optimist
I found it really
Quite draining

Aren’t We All?

I said
Babes I’m just looking for comfort
She said
Everyone is
That’s the problem
There’s too many people seeking comfort
And too few people providing it
I thought
Shit!
She’s right
This is a damned
Supply and demand
Issue

Miriam On Silver Linings

I tried explaining this to someone
I said:
No matter
Where I am
In the world,
I am
Always
Haunted
By myself
She was like:
Well that’s fucking bleak
And I was like:
No actually!
It’s great that I realised that about myself!
I know what the problem is!

Egocentricity

I know what you think of me
I know what you think of me
I know what you think of me

You think that I’m an
Inconsistent glasses wearer
And that this
Reflects my more wider
Inability
To make
Adult decisions
To commit to things

What’s that now?
You don’t think of me at all?
You’re more concerned with your own
Life?
Yeah RIGHT!
Whatever, mate
I’m not an idiot, yeah!

Function

I start these
Candid conversations
With people at
Really formal events
Start waxing all those lyrics about
Love, existence, et al
And they stilt, initially
Look at me as if to say
‘Should we be talking like this?
Is this … indecent?’
And I
Look at them as if to say
‘The universe wants this’
‘The universe demands this’