Who Knows

I keep wondering why am I so tired I said to the doctor you know I’m just so tired
Perhaps it’s because you spend all day baiting yourself with unanswerable questions
I just don’t know why I’m so tired I did mention it to the doctor
Just how tired I
Am

It’s Been A Lovely Night

I’ve never understood this ‘Don’t want to die alone’ thing. You know, like –
‘Why you on Tinder?’
‘Don’t wanna die alone!’
Because dying alone seems preferable to me.
For example:
You go out, you have a good time. You have both been consummate conversationalists. Your stomach sits sated. At certain points of the evening, you may have even felt like you embodied jazz. Now it is time to go home.
But wait! They insist on accompanying you to the bus stop. And so you stand shivering as ellipses bounce back between you because there’s only 3 minutes until the C11 to Archway and how can you now inorganically conjure something up that doesn’t defraud the entire night?
Ergo
You should have just left it at the door
Guys –
Always
Just
Leave it at
‘It’s been a lovely night’

Plough

I said:
I’m actually becoming a vegan

Miriam said:
But,
You hate vegetables?
Literally all I’ve ever seen you eat is
Cheese and bread.
As far as I know
You’re an 18th Century French farmer
Judging by your
Diet

Flu

She comes back home
‘How have you been?’, she says
I look
Forlorn

‘I’ve been
In and out
Of
Consciousness’, I say

‘Do you mean to say’, she says
‘You’ve
Been …
Napping?’

Fall from grace

When I was
9
I
Fell out of a
Tree

I fell
Backwards
And my head landed on a
Branch on the ground

I was knocked unconscious
For a few seconds

I remembered this
Yesterday
and thought
Ah
Yes
That explains
Things

Not good news

Migraine man says in his Irish accent that he recommends a 3 month course of drugs to clear my migrained mind away
I say:
Great!
He says:
There are some side effects, though
I say:
Such as?
He says:
Well – they can change your perceptions. They might make things … devoid of meaning … etc
I say:
WHAT? MATE! I’m trying to be a
Writer
Here
How’s that gonna work??
No no NO
No drugs for me

It Never Was

Sometimes I have this thing where I can’t really sense the left side of my body
Like it’s disappeared
Then I loop through
And I realise
I can’t really sense my right side, either
I nod to myself
‘Don’t panic
None of this is
Yours’

Insight

I am walking through Soho when
My world suddenly
Narrows
Rainbow coloured illusions dance across what is left of my field of vision
I like my illusions like I like my flags:
Rainbow coloured
Anyway I think
My mind is warning me about something and I wonder if it’s about all of my
Historic impotence
All The Things I Should Have Been
Then it goes further down me
I am now
Definitely still here but
Very far away from myself
Like the delay in those childhood calls to Australia
‘What was th-‘
‘Oh I-‘
‘I didn’t catch th-‘
My mind is trying to translate me back to me but it is losing all the good bits

I get to the doctors
‘Migraine With Aura’

🙈

Noam shakes his head and says with that dry French accent of his:
I don’t go to funerals
They traumatise me and
Make me think about
My own death
Urgh

It’s Just You

I would always say to myself:
Fresh start now

Fresh Starts 1996 – Present

Secondary school
Ok maybe not
College
Ok fine
University
Ok hasn’t panned out
This job
Ok no then
That job
Ok next one
Australia
Ok leave
London
Ok didn’t see that coming

Sorry – wait –
When’s the fresh start here?
DEATH?

Death By Arrogance/The 134

I’m standing half on the Camden curb (well, Kentish town/Camden town border zone) and I say to The Clinical Psychologist:
‘I see
Everything
I know
Everything
I know more about people than they do
I sense everything that is going to happen before it’s even conceived of
You are right –
I am an emotional savant
I actually can’t date anyone because no one is as
Intelligent
As me’

I feel something near my head
I say:
‘That bus just nearly hit me, didn’t it?’
She says:
‘Yeah it was
Pretty
Close’

Wellbeing

We just don’t respect death, do we?
Our generation
We think that we can
Vegan
Our way past disease
That audacity
That sense of control
Someone wise mutters:
‘It’s actually just about reducing risk, as opposed to eliminating it completely. The risk of death at some point is still pretty high’
The health freaks continue unabated
In their fevered triathlons
I think:
Gym bunnies can still get
Myxomatosis,
Hmmm?

Third Molar Hell

My wisdom tooth
Throbs
I admit it –
I didn’t go back to the dentist
To the follow up appointment
I spent the money on pick n’ mix and women, instead
I also felt relations between myself and the dentist had
Soured
Considerably after the
Bruxism debacle
My wisdom tooth
Throbs
Me?
I don’t feel so
Wise

Climax

I mean
Of course
One writes these big, cataclysmic endings to all
One’s love affairs
Gotta have some panache, babes
But truthfully
Endings are always just a
Mediocre slide from
Each other’s
Peripheral vision
Aren’t they?
Same with death, I guess
Was it …
My turn …
To text?

Gainful Employment

I have this little office all to myself
Which is nice
And I have this little fire escape all to myself
Which is nice
I like the idea that I won’t get burnt alive within these four walls
I have a view
A sunny view
I gaze out through my sunny view sometimes and I think solely about
Death
In a kind of warm, literary way
It’s not so bad
It’s not so bad

What Does Medical Science Know, Eh?

Aoife goes to get her
Chakras
Read
She’s gone ‘full Brighton’, you see
She texts:
Apparently the one in my chest is blocked and I’m holding negative energy in my chest and through my stomach and back
She said that’s why my hips are misaligned, because my energy is all fucked up
But…
I thought my hips were like that because I was born with femoral anteversion
So there you go
You learn a
New thing
Every
Day

Peak Performance

I
Go to the
Gym
Laugh at all the narcissists
I’m not like them
I’m doing it for my
Health
You see
Yes
I operate on a
Higher level
Looking stunning is just
A happy coincidence
An unexpected consequence
Of my ultimate aim to be
Health
Personified
No no
I’m not like them
I’m not like them
I’m not like them
At all

 

 

Am
I?

Grind

It’s all just a
Distraction
From death
Isn’t it?
The ‘Career’
Hamster wheeling away
Trying to keep
The Reaper at bay

 

 

*NB: As far as distractions from death go, I would wholeheartedly recommend love, instead.

Insufficiency

I throw back my
Vitamins
With some
Whiskey
Pretend I’m
Bukowski
With a little more self preservation
The truth is
I haven’t got strong enough
Genetics
To live too
Dangerously

Overzealous

I kept running through Charing Cross
Because I thought I had power
In
My
Bones
But,
I actually just ended up pulling a chest muscle
Yes,
Feeling so alive
Is not without its
Consequences

Tempered

Take things slow
They say
Wait,
Wait and
See
There’s no waiting in love!
I could be dead next week
Or, you know, dating someone else
Let’s fill all these holes in time with us, whilst we still can
WAIT?
No
No
No
Love me now
Or
Love me never

Surface

She said
You look well!
I say
Yeah but listen let’s talk about the
Existential angst
I still don’t have any answers
I just got more questions
With glazed eyes and glazed tones she says
Yeah yeah I gotta be
Heading
Off

10 Days

30 continues to evoke a heated panic in me that I just can’t seem to shake
Like,
I haven’t even got to grips with the basic facts of existence yet
It’s stressing me out
Ironically, I’m probably propelling myself towards an
Early
Death

Opting In To Probability

Opting out of pension schemes seems to have become a full time job almost
The form warns:
You do know you will have a lower income when you retire?
What about your family?
‘Oh how awful to be old and poor’,
They seem to be saying
I’m screaming at them whilst I sign and date:
THESE
ARE
ALL
ENTIRELY
MOOT
POINTS

Function

The doctor said:
The thing is, all of your symptoms are quite vague and involve different systems, different functions, of the body
I think:
God, what an idiot. And this guy went to medical school?!
But I just say
Fine
And
Walk
Out

65+

I call my dad
He sounds depressed
He says he had to fill in a form the other day
And tick the
65+ box
Like,
That’s his age bracket now
65
To
Just …
Death
He says he gets a state pension too now
£150 a week
I say I’ve seen a Barbour jacket that I want
It’s £150, incidentally
Can you buy it for me, dad?
He sighs
‘Yes’
He sounds
Even
More
Depressed
Now